MICROSOFT TESTS NUCLEAR DEVICE AT SECRET OLYMPIA FACILITY
REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence
as Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test
at a secret facility in Washington state. The device, detonated
at 10:55 am PDT (1:55 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with
talks between Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over
possible antitrust action.
"Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its
products by any and all necessary means," said Microsoft
CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I'm anti-government" he continued,
"but there would be few tears shed in the computer industry
if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire."
Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I
nearly dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained
University of Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At
first I thought it was Mt.Rainier, and I was thinking, there
goes the mountain bike vacation."
In Washington, President Bush announced the US Government
would boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later,
the President reversed his decision. "We've tried sanctions
since lunchtime, and they don't work," said the President.
Instead, the administration will initiate a policy of "constructive
engagement" with Microsoft.
Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said
the test justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford
Nuclear Reservation from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft
acquire "kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" in the
deal, said Myrhvold, "but we've finally found a place to
dump those millions of unsold copies of Microsoft Bob."
Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products
with rival operating systems. "I can neither confirm nor
deny the existence of a radioisotope thermoelectric generator
inside of every Pentium III microprocessor," said Myrhvold,
"but anyone who installs an OS written by a bunch of long-hairs
on the Internet is going to get what they deserve."
The existence of an RTG in each Pentium III microprocessor
would explain why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation,
run so hot. The Intel chips "put out more heat than they
draw in electrical power" said Prof. E. E. Thymes of MIT.
"This should finally dispell those stories about cold fusion."
Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway
in California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're
doing all of the development work in Java," said one source
close to the project. The development of a delivery system is
said to be holding upprogress. "Write once, bomb anywhere
is still a dream at the moment."
Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve
Jobs was rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison
about deploying Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft.
"Newton was the biggest bomb the Valley has developed in
years," said one hardware engineer. "I'd hate to be
around when they drop that product a second time."
